What Can I Say?
by hiddenmermaid
Summary: Lily can never find the right words to say to James, or anyone else. First story. Drabble.


**__Hi! So, this is a songfic written in Lily's POV but NOT the first person. If that makes sense. It just seemed weird to write it in the first person when I tried it that way. Anyway, the song is _What Can I Say _by Shealeigh, who's an amazing singer, and when I heard it, I thought it described exactly what I thought Lily might feel about James. The italics are the song lyrics and the normal font is Lily's thoughts. Read and review, please? 3 xx**

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><p><em>You treat this like a game<em>

_But it's my heart and it's breaking_

_All because of you_

She was so sick of James Potter. Just everything about him – running his fingers through his hair, asking her out every chance he got and then barely caring if she said yes or not. It was all a game to him, and that was the only reason why she never said yes. It wasn't like he actually wanted to go out with her. Not as much as _she _wanted to go out with him.

Every time he asked and she had to say no, her heart shattered into a million pieces all over the floor, and no one could see it but her. She always had just enough time to pull herself back together before Potter asked her out again.

It was a painful, never-ending cycle.

_The hourglass is running out_

_And you're still trying to fill it up_

_But I lost hope, you should too_

Thankfully, it was nearly the end of sixth year. In a little over a year, she'd never have to see Potter ever again, never have to go through the torture of hearing him ask her out to Hogsmeade again. Of course, part of her hated that she was running out of time. She'd had her fingers crossed, she'd made so many wishes on 11:11, hoping that Potter would somehow actually fall in love with her. Then everything would be as perfect as her imagination.

But now she'd lost hope. There wasn't anything special about her – wild red hair, weirdly colored green eyes, so many freckles – she was still unsure why Potter had chosen her to be the one he asked out everyday. It was probably because she was the only one who'd ever said no.

_But this situation, we're repeating_

_Overrated is what you made it_

_I'm all done and now I'm all out of time_

How many times had they gone through the same thing over and over, like a director insisting the lead actors redo the scene until they got it perfect?

"Hey, Evans, Hogsmeade next weekend?"

"No, Potter, never."

The scene would never be perfect, not until she said yes. And that would just never happen, because fate was cruel. Except maybe not to Alice.

The whole thing was so overrated to the rest of the school now anyway, they never looked up with rapt attention anytime Potter said the dreaded words, not like they used to. The only one who bothered anymore was Marlene, and only because she was her best friend, the one who could figure out what Lily was thinking when no one else could.

She was the only one who realized how much Lily actually loved James.

_What can I say? What can I say?_

_When all you do is push me away_

_What will I say to you when it all comes down to it_

_Seems like with every word we say_

_We're slowly fading away_

And what could she say, besides 'no' to turn him down? Were there even words in existence to describe how much her heart hurt every time Potter asked, every time she said no, when she imagined at night what it would be like to be Potter's girlfriend?

She could never make him understand – she couldn't even make her own friends understand, with the exception of Marlene. She hadn't been able to find the words to explain that properly, either, only being able to say that yes, she did like Potter, but no, she could not go on a date with him.

Which left Mary confused and Emmeline annoyed for Lily making everything 'so much more complicated than it had to be'.

But she wasn't. Lily Evans and James Potter were not meant to be.

_You acted like you care_

_But you don't – stop pretending_

_'Cause you're hurting me_

Potter was so complicated and confusing and, and, and … bipolar? No, that wasn't the right word … Lily was bad with words. It was just that Potter was awful with his friends – an arrogant toe-rag, if she wanted to be completely honest – but the few times he'd been alone with her, he'd been so nice. So understanding, so caring, so friendly … but he was probably faking.

And it hurt her, so much. Why couldn't he really be like that? Why couldn't he actually love her? Her life would be so perfect then, she would never complain about anything ever again, she wouldn't even cry about Petunia anymore, if only she could have Potter.

_My first impressions disappear_

_Your tongue-tied words so insincere_

_You always do as you please_

Lily didn't trust her first impressions anymore. They'd been wrong about Severus – he hadn't turned out to be good at heart, had he? – and they'd been dead wrong about Petunia, who was _not_ a wonderful, caring, friendly sister. So her first impression of Potter on the Hogwarts Express in first year couldn't be true, because that impression was that Potter was a complete git.

Yes, he was a git, but one that she loved with all her heart, and therefore, not a _complete_ one. More of a complex, double-sided one.

He was an excellent actor. The way he looked at her sometimes, it made her feel like he actually wanted her to say yes. How when he talked to her, he got easily flustered and tongue-tied as though he, too, couldn't find the right words. But she knew, deep down, he was acting.

_And this situation we're repeating_

_Overrated is what you made it_

_I'm all done and now I'm all out of time_

_What can I say? What can I say?_

_When all you do is push me away_

_What will I say to you, when it all comes down to it_

_Seems like with every word we say_

_We're slowly drifting away_

She knew anyone else would say that it was her, not Potter, who pushed him away, but to her it was the other way around. Lily would be okay with being friends with James Potter – _just_ friends – but as soon as she turned him down, he just walked off. He had never once attempted conversation with her besides asking her out. She was a pretty good friend, Marlene and Mary and Emmeline had all said so. She was supportive and caring and gave good advice. So why couldn't Potter take some time out of his 'busy' day, the way he did for asking her out, and have a normal conversation with her? Was that really so much to ask?

And every time he did ask her out, it seemed as though he cared less and less. Like he knew she would say no and that it didn't even bother him anymore. He seemed less fazed every time she said "No, Potter."

Next year, he probably wouldn't ask her out anymore. Everyone would think she was happy but no, she'd be miserable. And she'd have to fake it through the rest of the year, unless she was alone with Marlene, because she was drifting apart from James Potter. Sure, they'd never been all that close, but Lily had always thought they'd had a connection.

Bu they were losing it, somehow, even though they were doing the exact same things they did every year.

_I can't talk to you (talk to you)_

_You never see my point of view, no_

_Like I want you to (like I want you to)_

_Feels like I always go unheard (unheard)  
>Because your actions speak louder than my words<em>

_That's why I always come back to_

No one ever saw Lily's side of this whole thing in the first place. There was no one she could talk to but Marlene, who didn't even think so highly of James Potter, only respected him because he was her Quidditch captain. Everyone thought she was so heartless for never once saying yes to Potter, after all those years.

None of them, not even Potter himself, knew how much she actually loved him.

His actions spoke louder than her words. That was it. His constant asking her out, the way he could charm everyone in the room by just smiling, drowned out everything she tried to say about him, tried to say _to _him.

And so she was always left struggling to find the right words, the ones that would bring all her feelings to light, the ones that would make everyone understand. Years and years had gone by, and she still hadn't found them.

_What can I say? What can I say?_

_When all you do is push me away_

_What all I say to you when it all comes down to it_

_Seems like with every word we say_

_We're slowly fading away_

_What can I say?_

_I'm fading away_

_What can I say?_

_I'm fading away_

_Away …_

_Oh, 'cause it's my heart and it's breaking_

_All because of you_

_What can I say?_

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><p><strong>Liked it? Hated it? Constructive criticism? Please r&amp;r! Anything at all is appreciated.<strong>_  
><em>


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